Earthblog

In an apparent effort to boost slumping poll numbers, U.S. President Barack Obama has undertaken what some pundits are calling a “risky gamble” with his recently unveiled “Hakuna Matata” foreign and domestic policy strategy.  The new policy was announced recently by press secretary Robert Gibbs at the White House press room.

“Hakuna Matata,” said a beaming press secretary Gibbs to the surprised and clearly taken off guard press core, who have come to expect more measured platitudes and circular talk.  “What a wonderful phrase….”

Many members of the media simply did not know how to react.

Gibbs continued, this time breaking into song— “It means no worries, for the rest of our days, eh, term….  It’s our problem free, foreign policy - Hakuna Matta!"

In the backdrop, Obama staffers entered the room one by one.  They began chanting and repeating the foreign policy label in rhythmic shoulder sways and choreographed strutting —“Hakuna Matata.  Hakuna Mata."

When pressed for details about how the foreign policy could help deal with an increasingly belligerent Iran bent on acquiring Nuclear weapons, the beaming, exuberant and wide-smiling Gibbs simply kept repeating the wonderful phrase, “Hakuna Matata. Hakuna Mata….”

Magic Jack” overwhelming cell phone giants

The Root Beer Wire - Major cell phone companies around the world, such as ATT&T, Verizon Wireless, Sprint and, eh, Cricket, are planning to throw in the towel to the “Magic Jack.” Magic Jack is a gadget technology, available for $19.99 per month and can turn any home computer in a phone.  Mostly, it is aimed at computer literate senior citizens, but is now catching on across all age demographics.  The big Cells, fear it may spell their doom.

“I must admit,” said one AT&T senior executive, “I got hooked on Magic Jack. It actually does work. Now my father is 80 and doesn’t want nor need a cell phone…. But, he was particularly attracted to the Magic Jack, mostly because of its catchy name and that he had got it for free.”

The executive went on to explain that many of the touch screen features of his Blackberry Tour went unused by his grandfather, who very rarely went beyond a block from his assisted living home and shares a group email account with 10 other seniors. “Cell phone are amazing devices,” the CEO said. “But, if you don’t need it, they are worth jack shit….”

“Ask Lesko” could have averted global financial crisis

The Root Beer Wire - Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke, who recently has come under a lot of heat for his financial policies admits the U.S. Government missed a golden opportunity in solving the global financial crisis by not tapping into the power of the “Ask Lesko” guy, who has an uncanny ability to find free government money, which everyone deserves.

“ Ask Lesko did all the research for us,” reportedly said a distraught Bernanke. “If only we would have heeded his advice this whole crisis thing could have been averted for about twenty bucks… Hard to believe…. What a bummer.”

Nangork interested in buying ailing Rams NFL franchise

Rarf Nangork, an alien from the Alpha Centauri system, and owner of Uranus Brewing Co., a microbrewery based on the planet Uranus, is reportedly in talks with St. Louis Blues owner Dave Checketts in a bid to buy the St. Louis Rams, owners of the NFL's longest current losing streak - just 5-31 since 2007.

“Nangork has a lot of money,” said one league official who wished to remain anonymous, “However, his comments about wanting to enslave humanity may hurt him with executive committee,” said Ted Johnson, a personal assistant to NFL spokesman Greg Aiello.

Nangork is a Grey alien from the Alpha Centauri system and owner of Uranus Brewing Co.  He also has countless real estate holdings scattered throughout the Universe.  The controversial Nangork came under fire when comments he made about enslaving humanity surfaced on You Tube during an unsuccessful campaign for the U.S. Presidency in 2008.  Nangork claims he was “drunk on human mind thoughts” at that time, though he failed to explain exactly what the hell that meant.

The Vampire BoldFont contributed to this report.

Reginald Parks, 54, a financier, contemplating the best way to end it all. Ultimately, he decided to take the concrete plunge out his office building window. He died knowing that his suicide note was properly formatted, spell checked, used good grammar and was written by a professional.

NEW YORK – Tough economic times often call for drastic measures.  Sometimes even those drastic measures call for even more drastic measures, such as simply taking one for the team, ending it all, calling it quits!

Financier Reginald Parks, 44, recently did just that, after having blown 3.5 billion dollars of his client’s money by investing it into an elaborate Ponzi scheme.  Financially ruined and with nothing else to live for, he decided it was time to bail himself out and, yes, commit suicide.

The Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach is the latest diet craze to take
hold of Hollywood. Now, it is catching on in the rest of the nation. 

MIAMI — representing a radical departure from current medical opinions on nutrition, The Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach® is the latest diet craze to sweep Hollywood and the rest of the Lindsay Lohan types. Many predict the new Tennis Ball diet will go main stream soon, supplanting popular diets like Fatkins, Zone, Jenny Craig’s, Whale Watchers and Frank’s Fat Ass Farm as the new way of life among trendy health aficionados.

Unlike the food pyramid championed by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration and other diets, the Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach endorses mass consumptions of tennis balls—boiled, broiled, poached, grilled, and even deep fried, but more popularly, juiced. Tennis balls are believed to be low in caloric and carbohydrate value, yet high in essential fiber and other vitamin nutrients, followers of the diet believe.

Dr. Rachel Faddy of the Mayo Clinic, who wrestled with her weight for years, discovered the diet when during a late night eating binge she accidentally ate a tennis ball. The next day she awoke feeling a bit lighter than normal. She stepped on the scale and couldn’t believe it when it showed she had lost a whopping 25-pounds.

Faddy said the Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach not only includes the consumption of tennis balls, but is centered on the sport itself. She described a technique called "lob serving" a meal.

David Webb is managing editor of “The Funny Newz” and a traveler of “The Universe” at large.  A native of Pittsburgh, Mr. Webb become swept up in a plot for world domination trying to climb the corporate ranks of Unalco, a Pittsburgh-based metals company.

Luckily for us, Mr. Webb was able to foil a group, "The Vampires of The Rose Cross," a group of Rosicrucian vampires dating back to the 15th century.  These vampires were bent on dominating the global economy with a revolutionary nanomachine they had stolen from a brilliant scientist at Unalco, Lawrence Bingham.  "Bingham's Machine" could manufacture gold out of base metals  and change matter at the atomic level, thus the vampires saw it as a threat to their immortality. After all, if it could change matter, it might also reverse vampirism.

The unfinished novel "The Vampire Web Master" is based on the life of David J. Webb and his efforts to bring about the doom of the "The Vampires of The Rose Cross."  You can read all about it when David J. Webb is finished with The Great Universal novel. Unfortunately, it must be duly noted, Mr. Webb is a horrible procrastinator and even this biographical sketch is subject to change.  After all, his current time travels in the Universe could erase, alter, and affect the historic-time continuum as you know it.  For instance, this story might be finished the next time you check back—but you might not ever have been born!  How do you like them cosmic apples?

ZANESVILLE, OH - Expanding upon the success of the hit series CSI, which chronicles the trials and tribulations of a group of Las Vegas forensic scientists, a number of spinoffs soon followed, "CSI: Miami and CSI: New York." FNz has learned that CSI: Zanesville, OH was to follow in this pattern but was canned due to poor preliminary test marketing. Plus, almost everybody surveyed had little clue where Zanesville, OH was or why it would constitute an interesting expansion of the franchise.

Creator of the series, Anthony Zuiker states, "I guess we tried to get away cheaply with the latest expansion and paid the price, it was originally supposed to be Chicago, but we were getting killed with location and union fees. So, someone here had the bright idea that Zanesville, OH would be a great representative town of the Midwest. Turns out he was wrong, dead wrong. It got him fired."

The all-wood, gasoline-free Ford Woody, the latest from the brilliant minds of Ford Motor Co., runs on the principals of Newtonian physics.  In other words— “What goes up, must go down…. Or F = MA sort of thing…  The car must be pushed to high elevations and ridden down steep grades to run at all.  Passenger room is limited to three people that can squeeze into round wood holes and one person who must push the vehicle from behind.

DETROIT — Not since the Model-A of Henry T. Ford’s days has the automobile industry been turned upside-down like it is today in an effort to go green with luxury items.  Industry analyst believe it is about to happen again with the introduction of the world’s first “gas-free, all-wood” car to be introduced in North America in 2009.

“We are very proud to help wean the country from what President Bush (Cheney) regards as our addiction to fossil fuels.  The new Ford Woody aims to make that possible by eliminating gas consumption completely,” said Ford spokesperson James Longerfeld.

Jalal Zabari is a financial aid administrator for a suicide bombing school in the lawless tribal regions of Pakistan. Once a very lucrative business, Zabari frets that the global financial crisis is impacting their bottom line. He also cites a rise in suicide loan default rates, something he attributes to the fact that most borrowers usually kill themselves long before even making a payment.

THE LAWLESS TRIBAL LANDS OF PAKISTAN – Jalal Zabari runs a suicide-bomber recruitment center in an undisclosed location in the eastern parts of the lawless tribal regions of Pakistan. He frets that more and more students are defaulting on their suicide-bomber school loans and are blowing themselves up before the loans even go into repayment. Often, it is left to the terror instructor to collect on the defaulted debt. Zabari wants this to end.

The FunnyNewz investigates on the growing problem...