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 Reginald Parks, 54, a financier, contemplating the best way to end it all. Ultimately, he decided to take the concrete plunge out his office building window. He died knowing that his suicide note was properly formatted, spell checked, used good grammar and was written by a professional.
NEW YORK – Tough economic times often call for drastic measures. Sometimes even those drastic measures call for even more drastic measures, such as simply taking one for the team, ending it all, calling it quits!
Financier Reginald Parks, 44, recently did just that, after having blown 3.5 billion dollars of his client’s money by investing it into an elaborate Ponzi scheme. Financially ruined and with nothing else to live for, he decided it was time to bail himself out and, yes, commit suicide.
Meticulous to the end, Parks decided he should farm out his suicide note to Depp Pressing & Morose Writing, Inc., prior to performing a Greg Louganis impersonation (sans water) out his office window.
“I really did not want to leave the so called ‘tear-stained’ letter said Parks,” minutes before he leapt out of his office window en route to a gruesome death 10-stories below. “I know my limitations when it comes to writing. I suck at it. Normally, I would have my secretary take dictation but I cannot since I blew her away with a shot gun yesterday.”
A despondent Parks went on to enumerate all the pain and suffering he had caused many people, not only his clients but his family, whom he sort of neglected over the years.
Despite his abject hatred of most of the people he would leave behind, Parks wanted his last correspondence to the world be clearly articulated in his letter. He needed a company that he could trust to effectively and appropriately communicate his “kiss my big fat rear to the world” parting.
A friend had recommended Depp, Pressing & Morose Writing, Inc., a Pittsburgh based resume writing and suicide note service, which had worked with him to produce exactly the final sort of send off message he wanted to deliver before he would have to be gathered like Macy's Day Parade confetti from Madison Avenue.
Parks was unavailable, eh, for a follow up interview. However, we did catch up with Martin Morose, the brains behind, well, the brains on the pavement.
“Reginald Parks made the difficult decision to end it all. We had to honor that decision and provide him with a top notch communications deliverable,” Morose said.
Morose went on to describe how he used their patented “Suicide Note Wizard 1.0” program to help walk him through the creation of his perfectly crafted suicide note.
“We realize that one noose does not fit all necks,” Morose said, enjoying a brief chuckle.
“You have to consider that sometimes suicide notes are left on paper and end up getting splattered with all sorts of gooey stuff… blood, innards, booze, tears…”
We asked Morose how profitable writing professional suicide notes had been for his company given the recent economic turmoil.
“You would think business is booming but frankly we don't have a lot of flexibility with payment options and lot of our clients are already broke when they meet with us—hence, the suicide note. The last ten people were on payment plans and well, that simply wasn’t a smart idea.” |
