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Newz -
World
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Written by David J. Webb
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Wednesday, 23 June 2010 07:56 |
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 THE ANIMAL KINGDOM – Studies are now showing that out of all the animals in the animal kingdom, rabbits have the lowest average cell phone monthly charges.
As well as being fast-footed they are notoriously quick phone conversationalists. Rabbits seldom exceed their minutes, hence they often have the luxury of special low monthly minute plans that are geared toward extremely fast rodents, The FunnNewz.com has learned. It has the cell phone companies confounded as to the way to still take advantage of them.
“We try to rig any plan so that no matter what kind of deal you think you are getting, in the end you still get royally screwed,” admitted Ex-T-Mobile Marketing Vice President, Tom Vodafioni.
By comparison, Vodafioni said that the tortoises usually rack up the most off-peak minutes because they are notoriously slow conversationalists and fairly stupid animals. They make a fortune from most turtles, he said. He added tortoises usually make up for high overages because they rarely get hit with “roaming” charges.
On the other hand, rabbits tend to get slammed with roaming charges, but ever since they made national roaming free, it is hard to 'jack' up any profits on rabbits.
Vodafione said that migratory birds typically get walloped each time they fly around the world. These birds have been a huge moneymaker for cell phone companies in the past.
“The birds are a freaking gravy train,” he said. “As long as we have them, we can continue to keep our technology prices incredibly high, eh, I mean low.”
Did he just say “higher” costs and think we missed it? What does he think we are a bunch of Dodos?
“No, I can tell you're not because you don’t have blue-tooth.”
Vodafioni said that biggest money maker out of all of their customers are Woodpeckers.
“They text like you wouldn’t freaking believe!” |
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Newz -
World
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Written by David J. Webb
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Tuesday, 12 January 2010 03:24 |
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 The Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach is the latest diet craze to take
hold of Hollywood. Now, it is catching on in the rest of the nation.
MIAMI — representing a radical departure from current medical opinions on nutrition, The Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach® is the latest diet craze to sweep Hollywood and the rest of the Lindsay Lohan types. Many predict the new Tennis Ball diet will go main stream soon, supplanting popular diets like Fatkins, Zone, Jenny Craig’s, Whale Watchers and Frank’s Fat Ass Farm as the new way of life among trendy health aficionados.
Unlike the food pyramid championed by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration and other diets, the Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach endorses mass consumptions of tennis balls—boiled, broiled, poached, grilled, and even deep fried, but more popularly, juiced. Tennis balls are believed to be low in caloric and carbohydrate value, yet high in essential fiber and other vitamin nutrients, followers of the diet believe.
Dr. Rachel Faddy of the Mayo Clinic, who wrestled with her weight for years, discovered the diet when during a late night eating binge she accidentally ate a tennis ball. The next day she awoke feeling a bit lighter than normal. She stepped on the scale and couldn’t believe it when it showed she had lost a whopping 25-pounds.
Faddy said the Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach not only includes the consumption of tennis balls, but is centered on the sport itself. She described a technique called "lob serving" a meal.
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Newz -
World
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Written by David J. Webb
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Saturday, 09 January 2010 06:23 |
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 Jalal Zabari is a financial aid administrator for a suicide bombing school in the lawless tribal regions of Pakistan. Once a very lucrative business, Zabari frets that the global financial crisis is impacting their bottom line. He also cites a rise in suicide loan default rates, something he attributes to the fact that most borrowers usually kill themselves long before even making a payment.
THE LAWLESS TRIBAL LANDS OF PAKISTAN – Jalal Zabari runs a suicide-bomber recruitment center in an undisclosed location in the eastern parts of the lawless tribal regions of Pakistan. He frets that more and more students are defaulting on their suicide-bomber school loans and are blowing themselves up before the loans even go into repayment. Often, it is left to the terror instructor to collect on the defaulted debt. Zabari wants this to end.
The FunnyNewz investigates on the growing problem...
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Newz -
World
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Written by David J. Webb
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Thursday, 19 November 2009 00:08 |
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 ATLANTA (FNz) - Plans are in the works for the commercialization of space. Perhaps that is not surprising, but what should be is the current argument over how to divvy up all the advertising space available on the Moon and how to make the Moon generally more presentable as an advertising solution to today’s ever demanding global economy.
The Funny Newz attended the 2006 Catapulting Capitalism into Space Convention at the Georgia International Convention Center last weekend. We discovered some otherworldly plans for the Moon.
“The Moon just begs to be an advertising venue,” said Nike footwear ad exec Tom Barkley. “Imagine the Nike swoosh painted across it—we sure can!”
Wal-Mart would like to paint the Moon yellow and carve out a big wide smiling face for all of mankind to see, said Madison Avenue ad executive Lamont Depardieu.
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