Earthblog

Reginald Parks, 54, a financier, contemplating the best way to end it all. Ultimately, he decided to take the concrete plunge out his office building window. He died knowing that his suicide note was properly formatted, spell checked, used good grammar and was written by a professional.

NEW YORK – Tough economic times often call for drastic measures.  Sometimes even those drastic measures call for even more drastic measures, such as simply taking one for the team, ending it all, calling it quits!

Financier Reginald Parks, 44, recently did just that, after having blown 3.5 billion dollars of his client’s money by investing it into an elaborate Ponzi scheme.  Financially ruined and with nothing else to live for, he decided it was time to bail himself out and, yes, commit suicide.

The Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach is the latest diet craze to take
hold of Hollywood. Now, it is catching on in the rest of the nation. 

MIAMI — representing a radical departure from current medical opinions on nutrition, The Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach® is the latest diet craze to sweep Hollywood and the rest of the Lindsay Lohan types. Many predict the new Tennis Ball diet will go main stream soon, supplanting popular diets like Fatkins, Zone, Jenny Craig’s, Whale Watchers and Frank’s Fat Ass Farm as the new way of life among trendy health aficionados.

Unlike the food pyramid championed by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration and other diets, the Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach endorses mass consumptions of tennis balls—boiled, broiled, poached, grilled, and even deep fried, but more popularly, juiced. Tennis balls are believed to be low in caloric and carbohydrate value, yet high in essential fiber and other vitamin nutrients, followers of the diet believe.

Dr. Rachel Faddy of the Mayo Clinic, who wrestled with her weight for years, discovered the diet when during a late night eating binge she accidentally ate a tennis ball. The next day she awoke feeling a bit lighter than normal. She stepped on the scale and couldn’t believe it when it showed she had lost a whopping 25-pounds.

Faddy said the Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach not only includes the consumption of tennis balls, but is centered on the sport itself. She described a technique called "lob serving" a meal.

Jalal Zabari is a financial aid administrator for a suicide bombing school in the lawless tribal regions of Pakistan. Once a very lucrative business, Zabari frets that the global financial crisis is impacting their bottom line. He also cites a rise in suicide loan default rates, something he attributes to the fact that most borrowers usually kill themselves long before even making a payment.

THE LAWLESS TRIBAL LANDS OF PAKISTAN – Jalal Zabari runs a suicide-bomber recruitment center in an undisclosed location in the eastern parts of the lawless tribal regions of Pakistan. He frets that more and more students are defaulting on their suicide-bomber school loans and are blowing themselves up before the loans even go into repayment. Often, it is left to the terror instructor to collect on the defaulted debt. Zabari wants this to end.

The FunnyNewz investigates on the growing problem...

ATLANTA (FNz) - Plans are in the works for the commercialization of space.  Perhaps that is not surprising, but what should be is the current argument over how to divvy up all the advertising space available on the Moon and how to make the Moon generally more presentable as an advertising solution to today’s ever demanding global economy.

The Funny Newz attended the 2006 Catapulting Capitalism into Space Convention at the Georgia International Convention Center last weekend.  We discovered some otherworldly plans for the Moon.

“The Moon just begs to be an advertising venue,” said Nike footwear ad exec Tom Barkley. “Imagine the Nike swoosh painted across it—we sure can!”

Wal-Mart would like to paint the Moon yellow and carve out a big wide smiling face for all of mankind to see, said Madison Avenue ad executive Lamont Depardieu.